2019: A Breakthrough Year
1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Ghostwrote a choose-your-own-adventure hypnokink game. Did a batch of copywriting for a company that makes handcrafted impact implements. Attended a suicide intervention workshop. Got interviewed on live radio about asexuality. Ate the best pancakes ever. Wrote an (as-yet-unpublished) essay for Playboy. Celebrated a “collarversary.” Went to a children’s musical by myself on Valentine’s Day. Interviewed an improv director for my sex blog. Had my PayPal account disabled (twice) and re-enabled (twice). Started a Substack newsletter. Visited a private, locked park in New York City. Saw the [title of show] anniversary reunion performance. Wrote my own quarterly magazine column all year for Herizons. Celebrated my 7-year bloggiversary. Created a fake assistant for my business. Attended a tech conference in Montreal. Got a Brazilian wax. Ate dinner in a completely dark restaurant. Was interviewed for a book about sex journalism. Saw a Yayoi Kusama exhibit in person. Co-founded a podcast with my friend Brent. Got an agent. Said goodbye to my last surviving grandparent. Moved from the west end to downtown. Helped my parents move out of my childhood home. Saw Regina Spektor live on Broadway. Wore latex clothing. Learned to make a Southside. Told someone “I want to be with you forever” and meant it. Saw a performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream at a queer burlesque club. Attended the XOXO conference (and got recognized by some readers of mine there!). Visited the Portland rose garden while extremely stoned. Submitted a story to an erotica anthology. Wrote for 12 hours during the Smutathon. Guested on a horror movie podcast and an anime podcast. Helped my friend get through his top surgery. Got a book deal. Wrote (most of) a book. Drunkenly played piano at a cocktail bar. Was appointed editor-in-chief of a (forthcoming) magazine. Did some ghostwriting for a cannabis company. Visited Philadelphia. Bought and wore Agent Provocateur lingerie. Cut my hair short after wearing it long for 10+ years. Wore Louboutins.
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I resolved to “get better at boundary-setting (both personally and professionally), raise my rates (literally and metaphorically), and apologize for myself less (not counting when I actually fuck up, obviously).” I think I did okay at all of these — especially raising my rates, which felt easier this year as I gained a higher profile in the writing world — but could still work on apologizing for myself less and setting stronger boundaries in the name of self-care.
Next year I resolve to take myself more seriously as a writer: no more downplaying my talents and accomplishments, no more undercharging or acquiescing to absurd requests, no more “playing small.”
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin had a baby boy! His name is Rafe.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, both my grandfathers and some other, more distant extended family members.
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the USA (New York in March, June, August, October, November, and December; Portland in September). I also went to Montreal in April.
6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
Last year two of the things I said here were “publish a book” and “cook more” — I’ve definitely cooked more, and I got a book deal!
In 2020 I’d love to have more financial stability (lol) and find more spots in my neighborhood where I can hang out, work, eat, drink, and shop. I’ve been living here for ~6 months and still don’t know that many places!
7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory?
February 10 — collarversary
April 24–30 — Montreal trip
June 26 — moving day
July 14 — Matt came out as nonbinary
July 18–2nd moving day
September 2–9 — Portland trip, XOXO
October 14 — Bex’s top surgery
November 16 — signed my book contract at the Library Bar
November 27 — announced my book deal
December 13–2nd anniversary
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Professionally: Got a book deal! And an agent! Launched a new podcast (Question Box). Got tapped to be the co-editor-in-chief of a new magazine (more details to come in 2020). Made $20k+ from my blog for the first time ever (mostly by selling 55 sponsored posts, holy moly). Wrote an essay for total dream publication Playboy (though it has yet to be published).
Personally: Moving, and then helping my family move 3 weeks later, was so exhausting and life-changing that I can’t even think of anything else to write here.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I sucked (and continue to suck) at maintaining friendships when busyness and depression are flaring up, which I obviously want to work on. Also failed to launch an ebook which Matt thoughtfully designed/laid out for me. Hopefully in 2020!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just the same old depression, anxiety, and chronic pain I’ve been dealing with for years now. I got through it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My big new Kate Spade bag, which is perfect as a carry-on for all the travel I’ve been doing. Also, things that were bought for me (which doesn’t really count): my laptop and Frye harness boots. Thank you, Matt!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Matt, Bex, Max, Sarah, and my parents. I don’t deserve ‘em!
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Trump, and internet trolls of various types.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Plane tickets, theatre tickets, drinks/meals, gifts. (And also rent, but duh.)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Matt (every time). Great parties. Fancy cocktails. Future relationship-related plans. XOXO in Portland. Trying weird new kink stuff. New writing clients. My book!!!
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2019?
Albums: Hey, I’m Just Like You by Tegan and Sara, Awake and Pretty Much Sober and June by Violents, Good at Falling by the Japanese House, Dedicated by Carly Rae Jepsen.
Songs: “Archie, Marry Me” by Alvvays, “Dream of Me” by Vinyl Theatre, “Blue Rondo a la Turk” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet, “Bike Dream” by Rostam, “Wonderfully Bizarre” by Bendigo Fletcher, “Stay Overnight” by Ann Marr, “Favorite Show” by Great Grandpa, “Funeral” by Phoebe Bridgers, “Everything He Needs” by Carly Rae Jepsen.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Happier. Feeling more settled and “real” in my relationship and my career, and living in a muuuuuch better environment.
thinner or fatter? Thinner, due to my appetite-suppressing antidepressants. Boooo.
richer or poorer? Poorer — lots of expenses lately due to the holidays, and several of my freelance clients failed to pay me before the holidays, so I’m behind at the moment. But things should balance out soon.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hanging out with friends! I did a decent amount of that but always wish I’d done more of it. Also mental health coping strategies like CBT and journaling.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Twitter, mainly. And participating in internet drama in general. Setting myself a “no subtweeting people who might read the tweet, no matter how much you might want to” rule for myself has been very good.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it exchanging presents and eating delicious meals with my family.
21. Who did you spend the most time talking to?
Matt, Bex, Sarah, and Max.
22. Did you fall in love in 2019?
Nope, unless you count the way I feel like I fall more deeply in love every day. *cheesy romantic music sting*
23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None.
24. What was your favourite TV programme?
You and The L Word: Generation Q.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Probably just… Porter airlines, as an entity.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read 48 books this year, OMG. Some of my faves: You Know You Want This by Kristen Roupenian (short stories about the complications of consent), The Collected Schizophrenias by Esmé Wang (gorgeous essays on life with mental illness), High Heel by Summer Brennan (a devastatingly well-researched meditation on heels), Night Film by Marisha Pessl (a fast-paced, quirky murder-mystery with elements of the supernatural), Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino (brilliantly incisive essays on culture and personhood), The Offline Dating Method by Camille Virginia (a surprisingly thoughtful guide to making IRL connections), The Monster Under the Bed by JoEllen Notte (a sex guide for depressed people and their partners), and In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (a queer abuse memoir).
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Phoebe Bridgers is the only one I can think of.
28. What did you want and get?
A book deal!! An agent!! A magazine to edit!! Lots of travel!!
29. What did you want and not get?
Better mental health and more money, but what the hell else is new.
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I enjoyed Frozen 2, It: Chapter 2, Midsommar, and Knives Out.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 27. Wore a pink velvet dress to go get extremely drunk with my Toronto friends at the Pour Boy, and then got on a train the next day to spend a week with Matt in Montreal.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Same answer as last year: “Better mental health, but what can ya do!” Also I wish I had been able to move out of my old apartment sooner than June because the situation was really hellish over there.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Mostly a lot of simple dresses, black leggings, and boots. I’ve been dressing a little flashier since I got my hair cut short because I feel more attention-grabbing and cute with this cut.
34. What kept you sane?
Honestly, last year’s answer still holds true: “Matt, Bex, Max, my other friends and family, journaling, marijuana, the McElroys, Hippo Campus, my psychiatrist and his magic pills, sadomasochism, Uber Eats, my work.” This year I would add: Starbucks sandwiches, my bed, cats, Scrivener, to-do lists.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I honestly swung pretty far toward the asexual end of the spectrum this year and didn’t experience too many attractions aside from the people I’m already seeing. I guess Amiel Stanek?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Climate stuff and trans rights.
37. Who did you miss?
Matt, Bex, Max, Brent, the old friend who ghosted me last year.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met some cool people at XOXO, especially at the language nerds meetup.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
Work-life balance is harder than it seems, but is really important! I drastically overworked myself at many points this year and saw the results play out in my mental and physical health. Gotta work on that.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time/ And that’s just how I feel/ Always have, and I always will/ … I woke up in my childhood bed/ Wishing I was someone else/ Feeling sorry for myself/ Then I remembered someone’s kid is dead” -Phoebe Bridgers, “Funeral”
“Too late to go out/ Too young to stay in/ They’re talking about/ Us living in sin/ Hey, hey, marry me, Archie” -Alvvays, “Archie, Marry Me”
“New York isn’t New York without you, love.” -St. Vincent, “New York”
“My body caved to you/ My heart’s so full, it grew/ I’m sober, I’m awake/ Not aware of what to say/ So bring the storm untamed/ I want to feel the rain/ So bring me joy and pain/ I want to feel again” -Violents, “Awake and Pretty Much Sober”
